PROCESS 06: HP Sauce

I prefer ketchup, but what ya gonna do?

Despite being a strict own-brand household, HP Sauce always has a place in our cupboard. I’m not actually a fan, but my husband Tom won’t eat a bacon sandwich without it. He also puts it on sausage and mash—I can’t cope with sauces and mashed potato. The textures are too wrong. I once knew a girl who put ketchup in her mash and mixed it around until it was a big, pinkish mass. I didn’t go round for tea again.

I’ve always got time for foods that claim a certain dignity. HP Sauce has delusions of grandeur, don’t you think? Named after the Houses of Parliament and decorated with with Elizabeth Tower/Big Ben in pride of place on the front of the bottle, it’s been a British icon for almost 130 years. Why the Houses of Parliament? The inventor of the sauce, Frederick Gibson Garton, heard that politicians were eating it down in the Westminster canteen and thought that’d be great iconography for his product. People must have liked the government a lot more back then.

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HP Sauce was actually created by a grocer and pickles maker in Nottingham. A true residual from the English Empire, according to legend his sauce was based on an Indian chutney, with ingredients like tamarind and dates sourced from South East Asia and the Middle East. Apparently he used to simmer it in a kettle at the back of his shop. A milder version is known as “Fruity HP”, the one with the green label, and that has mango in it. Like many classic English sauces it also has things like raisins and vinegar in it, but HP became more popular, despite or even because of its exotic flavours. I like the idea of middle class Victorians covering their meals with a tamarind and mango salsa packed with spices and soy sauce. It somehow turns the sepia photos in my mind into colourful vignettes.

Unfortunately for the unlucky inventor of HP Sauce, he went bankrupt trying to pay his vinegar debts (something all of us pickle fans can empathise with) and he ended up selling the whole HP brand and recipe—as well as his other inventions including Daddies sauce, for £150 to his debtors. Since then, this small-scale sauce company became a national treasure, and a staple in every kitchen throughout the 20th century. Now HP Sauce is a global brand owned by Heinz, who must now own the two biggest selling, or at least the most famous, sauces in the world—HP and Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

This buyout was a shock to the people who worked for the Aston-based HP Sauce factory, and fans of the sauce. In 2006, when Danone sold HP to Heinz, the company revealed that production would move to The Netherlands.

There was a funeral for HP Sauce at the old factory. Then a wake. Don’t believe me? Check this out. Empty HP Sauce bottled were placed into a coffin, and mourners climbed onto the factory roof to hang banners decrying the closure of the factory as a national scandal. People sang the national anthem outside the gates, and body painted themselves to look like HP labels while chained to the gates. England used to be a real country.

This fabulous story in the Birmingham Mail recounts the closure 10 years on (the piece was published in 2016) and photos of the factory’s main tower remind me of the demolition of Thwaite’s Brewery in Blackburn in 2019. Iconic local brands, built up then broken down as the tides of time and commerce rose from our Nation of high street Shopkeepers through our towns in the 20th century, then conglomerated, then left. These symbols are probably some of the most visible ways to see how our towns and our local industries have changed over the years.

The tower might have gone from Aston, but the sauce lives on. 28 million bottles of HP Sauce are sold every year, and at least half of those are used in my house. This year, a commemorative bottle has been designed and no doubt will become a collectors’ edition, with scaffolding on Elizabeth Tower, covering Big Ben’s clock face. So many metaphorical interpretations. So little time.

A Very Hoppy Christmas

A beery straight-to-Netflix Christmas film from my brain to yours.

Sydnie, our protagonist, sits at a taproom bench post-shift, white wellies and dungarees topping off her workwear look, a brown ponytail sticking out of her beige Carhartt beanie. She takes a sip of her West Coast IPA, and waits for the rest of the team to arrive to discuss the upcoming Christmas party. The wonky plastic Christmas tree by the bar drops another bauble. Decorating was never her greatest skill.

Every year, the brewery throws a community event to share out donated clothes, toiletries, and Christmas presents to the less fortunate. As well as a charity donation drive, she invites people from the local neighbourhood to stop by for food and drink, knowing that once, she was once living in poverty just half a mile away from the taproom. This year she hopes the party will be bigger and better than ever, bringing more people in from across the city, and she’s invited her friends from bigger, more famous breweries to attend to boost its profile. She’s excited about the prospect of making this event a citywide festival.

Once everybody arrives, talk moves from the beers that will be on tap and the food that’ll be served to the year ahead. The door opens and Sydnie walks over to explain that the taproom is closed. It’s the new owners, and they have a speech to make.

It’s been a slow year, and profits are not where they should be. Selling to a larger brewery co should have offered more security, but instead, it’s put Sydnie’s 10bl brewery right at the front of the executioner’s queue. With more expensive ingredients bought from local producers, and various other expenditures the other breweries in their portfolio had long since cut from their budgets, she doesn’t run a tight ship in their eyes. Rather than give her the opportunity to make cuts, they simply want her to close. Immediately.

“But what about the Christmas party?” her GM shouts. “What about the community?”

The suits don’t care. The party is money spent that they can’t afford to lose. And with that, and answering no further questions, they leave, giving the brewery just three weeks to clear up and empty the unit.

The next day, Sydnie gets a call from a local brewery owner called Brad. He has heard on the grapevine that things aren’t great, and wants to know how he can help.

“No offence, Brad, but there’s nothing you can do,” says Sydnie. “If I can’t make it work here, it’s done.”

Brad asks her to meet him for coffee and she tells him about having to cancel the community Christmas party.

“Without our yearly donations, the members of our community just wouldn’t have a Christmas,” she says.

“It’s too bad,” says Brad, drumming his tattooed fingers on the table. “I’m going to talk to as many people as I can and see what we can salvage.”

Sydnie doesn’t have much hope. Leaving the coffee shop and walking back to the brewery, she sees a shop window with a Santa Claus in it, lifting a stein up to cheers the festive season. It feels like a cruel joke.

The next couple of days are a whirlwind of activity, as Sydnie tries to organise moving out the already-donated gifts to a different location for storage and distribution, as well as finishing up her brewing schedule. Two weeks isn’t long enough to start anything new, and it’s barely long enough to complete what she’s already started. She looks sadly at her barrel project. Where will they go now? She hadn’t thought about herself until now. What will she do? Go back into lab work? This was her whole life and her dream career. How can this be happening? Walking through the city to meet a friend for a drink, she sees the beer stein Santa again, and she’s sure he winks at her.

The next day, a letter arrives at the brewery. It’s handwritten, and addressed to Sydnie.

Dear Sydnie
Please accept this gift as a thank you for all you’ve done for us over the past few years.
Yours with much love,
Firebird Brewing

Her friends at a local independent brewery had sent, not a cheque, but a USB drive, with a complete plan of how to organise the Christmas party at their place on it, complete with marketing ideas, playlists, ways she could get involved if she wanted to, and a promise to throw it for the next five years in the future too. What a load off her mind! It wasn’t going to save the brewery, but it meant that the community wasn’t going to miss out. What an incredible gift. She immediately calls the folks at Firebird to thank them, and asks them how they knew all the details to make such a thorough plan.

“Brad came over and helped us with it,” Lucy, the owner says. “It was a no-brainer. Honestly, get involved as much as you like, we don’t want to step on your toes and you can say no, but you’ve got so much to deal with right now, it’d be our pleasure to help you out and make things easier.”

The next morning before work, Sydnie walks to the beer-stein Santa again and stands in front of his sparkling window.

“What do I do?” she says out loud, as his mechanical arm lifts then drops his beer. “How do I save everyone’s jobs? What am I supposed to do?”

The door of the shop opens and a white haired and undoubtedly handsome man with small, gold-rimmed circular glasses walks out, carrying an A-board. It reads: “Mulled Wine. German Beer. Christmas Cheer.” Sydnie realised she’s never actually been in this shop before—she’d never noticed it before the Christmas display. Feeling embarrassed about being caught speaking to a mechanical Santa Claus, she turns to go.

“Wait!” says the man. She debates pretending she can’t hear him through her balaclava but then she feels a hand on her arm. “Is everything okay?”

Sydnie turns to face him and notices twinkling blue eyes with a kind crinkle, and a neatly-trimmed white moustache. Despite the snowy colour of his hair, he couldn’t be more than mid-40s. Before she can stop herself, she answers: “No. Not really. I was just talking to an animatronic fictional character.”

He smiles, and invites her into the shop. Inside, it’s a Christmas fairytale come to life. Decorated in holly and real fir trees, with traditional wooden ornaments, and fairy lights and candles on every surface, it smells like a cedar wood cabin, and cinnamon chai, and gingerbread, and marzipan. There are tables and sofas to sit at, and a mezzanine like a ski chalet with shelves of gifts and books. How could she have never noticed this place before?

She learns that his name is Klaus, and he fell in love with all things Christmas when he visited his grandparents in the Black Forest when he was a child. His dream had been to recreate that magic in the US, and when this shop came up for sale, he used part of his inheritance to set up the bar, café, and gift shop of his dreams.

“But what do you do the rest of the year?” Sydnie asks.

“I disappear,” he replies. “I go travelling.”

“All around the world,” she says. “Like Santa Claus.”

Klaus pours her a mug of mulled cherry beer, warming and spiked with orange and cloves, and she tells him more than she should about the problems at the brewery. She tells him about the community Christmas party, and she explains why she can’t figure out her next steps.

“I’m so used to working for myself,” she says, “I don’t want to go back to a big brewery team again. I love making my own beer and running a happy brew house. I love being part of the community.”

It was sad, talking through the details, because it made it real. But she was glad she had someone to talk to, even if it was a stranger.

The next weeks fly by, and as the brewery empties of its stock, it also empties of her brew family too—of course they would find new jobs, but it hurt all the same. Every goodbye was a tiny heartbreak. Then, just two days before the official closing day, it was time for the Christmas party.

How can you party when something so awful is happening to you? Sydnie put on her Christmas jumper, a Santa hat, and a smile, and heads to Firebird to join in with the festivities, hoping she can make it through without ranting, or crying, or both. There are hugs—so many hugs!—when she arrives, and a glass of festive stout is pushed into her hand by Brad.

“We hope you like what we’ve done,” he says. “But please get involved. Everyone wants to see you. You put in all the groundwork, it’s still your day.”

Being able to sit back and enjoy the atmosphere rather than being tied up in the logistics of the event is a new experience for Sydnie. It’s overwhelming, she thought, to see so many people so happy to be part of something so fun, and so important. Lucy’s decorations sparkled and glittered, and the DJ span only the most jolly Christmas party tunes. With people dancing and laughing all around her, swapping gifts and picking up donations, she decides that life goes on, no matter how damaging the setbacks.

She sees Klaus across the room before he sees her. What’s he doing here? Instead of heading towards the bar, he’s walking towards the DJ, who hands him a microphone. The music quietens then pauses, and everyone turns to look at the white haired stranger at the front of the room.

“Hello,” he says. “My name is Klaus, and I’m fairly new to this city. But I’ve learned so much about this neighbourhood and its community lately, and I’ve never lived somewhere where I felt more welcome. I opened my bar in town because of this city’s reputation for supporting independent businesses. I had no idea who I might meet. In fact, I met a wonderful, headstrong local businesswoman who, despite all her hard work and efforts, is being absolutely screwed by Big Business.”

Everybody boos.

“Lucy, can you come here a minute? Brad?”

Sydnie looks around in astonishment. What’s happening?

Lucy takes the microphone. “The community Christmas party is hugely important to everybody here,” she says. “But as you know, usually, it’s run by our friend, and yours, Sydnie West, at her brewery just across the way. What you might not know, is that Sydnie’s brewery is being shut down by its new owners. And we are appalled by that.”

Lucy hands the mic to Brad. “Sydnie, we can’t see your brewery go under like this. We have all been in our own worlds of debt and strife these past years, and we might not have been as much of an industry community lately because of that, but we know how to step up. You and your team deserve better than this. And when Klaus came to ask about the party and what he could do to help, we realised what we needed to do.”

Sydnie hopes to god they won’t ask her to go up and make a speech because there are no words left in her. The shock of it all has made her lightheaded, and she wants to sit down. Instead, Klaus takes the microphone back.

“We’ve worked out a plan,” he says. “All of us together, and your team, and we’re saving your brewery. And everyone is coming back.”

Lucy grabs the mic back. “Happy Christmas Sydnie! You deserve this! Here’s to having the Christmas Party with Sydnie next year again, and forever after that!”

The crowd cheers and claps and raises their drinks, and Sydnie downs her beer. Klaus finds her shortly and she asks him how they managed to do it.

“They only speak money,” he says, “and luckily I have that. I’ve always wanted to invest in a local business that cares about its people, and cares about Christmas as much as I do. You can make the beer for my bar, and I can have direct links with the community. This is a dream for me. I hope you don’t mind that we kept it a secret, but it wasn’t finalised until earlier today.”

“No,” says Sydnie, putting an arm around him. “But maybe we can talk about using your Christmas decorating skills around the place next year?”

THE END

PROCESS 05: Warburton's Toastie

There’s bread, and then there’s Toastie.

Before I begin this love letter to my favourite bread (and that’s an important accolade—bread means everything to me) I want you to know that I got in touch with them to ask to visit one of their factories. I was pretty excited about the prospect. Unfortunately they didn’t get back in touch—I don’t think I’m famous enough, and anyway, blue hairnets don’t really match my Deftones hoodie aesthetic. It’s fine.

I think what I wanted to see was hundreds of loaves of bread pre-slicing. Its squareness, its slices, they’re so perfected that it’s hard to relate a loaf of Warbies to a traditional loaf. They might be the same thing genetically, but like Darwin’s finches, they have developed different coping mechanisms, new attributes, that better suit each of their surroundings.

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Take their crusts. Compared to a tin loaf baked at home, the crust of a loaf of Toastie might as well not exist. The top crust has always been my favourite one, the bottom one the worst. I like the shiny texture against my tongue. I used to like Kingsmill Top Grade for the same reason. “Proper” bread, made by hand and potentially with fresh yeast or even sourdough, is different in every way, and you don’t need me to tell you that. The crusty, chewy texture, the thick, yeasty smell, the tangy flavour. It’s like comparing an eagle owl to a pigeon.

But pigeons are only pigeons because of man’s intervention. We wanted them docile and unafraid. We trained them to be obedient and let them become reliant on us as far back as 5000 years ago. Then, at some point in history, we decided we didn’t want them anymore. Common grey pigeons (closely related to Rock Doves, but not exactly the same bird anymore) have been anomalies ever since—unable to make proper nests or live without close proximity to humans. Does this mean they are not birds? It strikes me as unfair that we blame them for everything that they are, when it was us who created them.

Soft, white, processed bread might be the enemy of so many diets, but it only exists because we wanted it. Correction: we want it. According to UK Flour Millers, Nearly 11 million loaves are sold every single day in the UK, and wrapped and sliced bread accounts for 85% of UK bread production. Sliced bread is everywhere because of us, and I think that’s rare. Usually processed foods are pushed on us through marketing, as additions to our diet we didn’t ask for. Processed bread just exists around us, as something we once hailed as the ultimate convenience, now taken for granted and slightly vilified. Even I find myself feeling guilty when I choose it over a local bakery’s seeded batch. Is that progress or diet culture or something else entirely? What I will say is this: It feels a little unfair to me to have all this wonderful bread around and for all of us to pretend it isn’t as nice as the healthy stuff.

Why do I love Toastie? There are so many reasons.

It is ethereally soft. When you pick the freshest orange packet, it’s like biting into a cloud.

Making toast with it makes the whole house smell like a delicious bakery.

Dry Toastie toast is the approved post-sickness test food to see if you feel well enough for the next step—tinned tomato soup.

It is always there for me. No matter when I get back from being away, or how unreasonable my brain is being, or how lazy my day is, there is a squishy, freshly-baked loaf of Toastie waiting for me at the shop.

If you roll it flat, brush it with olive oil, sprinkle salt on and toast it under the grill, it becomes instant crackers for a makeshift cheeseboard.

My grandad’s house smelled of toast, and curry powder. He lived off curries and occasionally goulash, or pea and ham soup simmered until it was the colour of army issue fatigues. I don’t think he ate toast himself, he would just make sure there was Toastie and marge in the house for when we went round to stay, a small but meaningful act of service. Even now, the smell reminds me of him—strange, since as I say, this was not a food he ate. He drank John Smiths and loved a Dopiaza. I love you grandad. Thanks for the toast.

Zingibeer: Dublin Spice

Dublin’s other perfect pint

I learned a lot on my trip to Dublin last weekend.

I learned that I can travel by plane now without a thousand rituals and a meltdown. I can just walk on board and sit down. I even slept.

I learned that time moves differently in the Irish National Gallery. Three hours passed like ten glorious minutes, as my skin absorbed the colours and brushstrokes. I learned I miss art galleries with an aching heart.

I learned while I stared at the beauty of St Stephen’s Green’s icy pond that while I live in the middle of the Lancashire countryside, I am starved of picturesque, landscaped green spaces. I learned that herons sit in trees and watch you watch them.

I learned that in Dublin, incredibly dressed manikins step out of Quality Street tins in immaculate shop window displays, metallic material folded, twisted, and wrapped like sweets.

I also learned that Guinness is not the only fruit. Sure, of course I drank my fair share and then some of Dublin-brewed Guinness. How could I not? But I was introduced to something truly revolutionary that might have changed my perspective on Dublin forever. Have you ever tried Zingibeer?

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Brewed in Smithfield, on the north side of the Liffey, by a father and daughter team, Zingibeer is a fully-fermented ginger beer. Unlike the other famous pint around town, it’s totally clear. You’d be forgiven for thinking you’d been handed a pint of soda water with a wedge of lime in it. Rather than a beer with ginger beer added to it, Zingibeer is made as you would make it at home, if you’d ever tried, with a yeast mother and plenty of sugar. Once fermented, botanicals and lemon juice is added. That’s it.

It tastes like the warming ginger of a good hot toddy, like a spoonful of what Mary Poppins gives you when you come in from the rain, like a Masterchef contestant has had a go at making stem ginger fizzy cola bottles. It tastes elegant, like the way I wish Porsecco actually tasted—aromatic and just-sweet-enough and a little bit fiery. Moreish. And it’s served on draft so you can get a really satisfying gulp of it in one go, allowing your whole chest to light up with the peppery, golden glow.

I swear I didn’t believe it was alcoholic until I was dancing my arse off at a CMAT gig later in the evening. Zingibeer facilitated the most authentically Dublin experience I think I’ve ever had.

Other Stuff

My Stuff

  • Let me tell you a story. This week on the Pellicle podcast I read my Burger Van piece aloud.

  • I joined Beerlonging for their latest podcast episode, and talked about all sorts, from getting into beer writing, to running and then closing Corto.

  • Hwaet! zine has come back from the printers and is being sent out right now. I have a piece about witchcraft, women’s work, brewsters, alewives, and beer in it and you can buy a copy here.

  • My PROCESS series continues apace, you can read an excerpt of the latest story, about fizzy pop, here.

  • I’ve set up the chat function on Substack so that we can send ideas to each other and talk about things I’ve mentioned in the newsletters. Sometimes these will be paid subscriber only, and sometimes they will be available to all. Also, comments for each newsletter are now open to paid subs too as a little perk. Don’t hate me, a girl’s gotta eat.

PROCESS 04: Pop

The original snap and the hiss

You can’t have fish and chips without a can of dandelion and burdock. You know that, right? And you can’t have a British childhood without chugging Shandy Bass and pretending you’re pissed.

Fizzy pop is everywhere, all around us all the time. It sponsors some of the largest events in the world, and covers our Anthropocene landscape in branded marketing. Go to the top of Everest, there will be a can of coke. I truly believe that there will be a bidding war between Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar to become the first item of litter on the Mars human habitat.

When I started tasting wine to revise for my WSET L2 exam, I spent a lot of time tasting Diet Coke to try, once and for all, to figure out what it tastes of. It’s not something anyone really asks questions about. We just drink Coca Cola and it tastes like Coca Cola. Cinnamon is what I get from it. Vanilla and cinnamon, and other woody spices, and maybe some weak botanicals. I prefer Diet Coke to regular Coke (and I hate when it’s called “full fat coke” for some reason,

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makes me think of scummy bits of oil on the top of a washing up bowl) because regular Coke is so overwhelmingly cloying. The idea of the drink, it seems, is to get as much sugar down you as possible without it coming back up again. I was told once that’s why it’s also acidic. I’m not sure if that’s true. To tell you the truth, I actually prefer Pepsi Max above all. A definite hangover from being a 90s child and saving up tokens and pink ring pulls to send off for exclusive Spice Girls single “Move Over (Generation Next).”

Fizzy drinks as we know them today are almost completely unrecognisable from the tonics and beverages they mutated from. Coca Cola itself was invented in 1886 during a boom-time for wellness tonics in the USA, it’s high sugar content and other no-longer-legal ingredients offering vitality, strong nerves, and as a cure for headaches. It was initially alcoholic, but became a soft drink during prohibition—useful for clandestine drinkers who needed something sweet and palatable to mix their bootlegged whiskey with.

Before Coke became a global monolith, pop in the US was drinks like ginger beer, root beer, and sarsaparilla, which could be made at home with roots and ingredients from the garden, such as birch bark and sap, liquorice, dandelion roots, spruce, and spices like allspice, cloves, nutmeg and cinnamon. The most realistic and widely-available ancestor of these original recipes is Dr. Pepper—its name offering, once again, a look at a time when fizzy pop was seen as a tasty way to keep fit. Then, in the 1960s, the the United States Food and Drug Administration banned the use of sassafras due to a chemical called “saffrol” being present, which when used in extremely high doses can be carcinogenic. “Nutmeg, cinnamon, and basil also contain safrole, but that was not an issue,” notes the American Homebrewers’ Association rather sardonically. During the 1950s, Coke has become something of a fashion statement—now, it was the norm.

In the UK, we had a similar trajectory for our own pop. Vimto, Irn Bru, Tizer, Lucozade, and even Dandelion and Burdock are all drinks that were once energy-giving tonics or alcohol-free alternatives for hard working people. Vimto is just a shortened version of it’s original name “Vim Tonic”, and it was invented by a Blackburn-born herb and spice merchant to make the most of the Temperance movement. Tizer was an alcohol-free aperitif invented in the 1920s in Manchester. Lucozade was invented by a pharmacist in Newcastle as a glucose-rich energy drink for the sick—which is why there is a deep generational need for original, glass bottle, red Lucozade when you’re relegated to your sick bed. Mysterious, orange Irn Bru outsells Coca Cola in Scotland every single year, and nobody really knows what’s in it or what it tastes like. Dandelion and Burdock has been drank in Britain since Medieval times, but the first carbonated and commercially-available bottled version was made by Shaws of Huddersfield in 1871. It’s probably the closest thing we have in the UK to sarsaparilla.

One of the only things I miss about living in a city is the ludicrous amount of choice in every paper shop. I miss KA Black Cherry, and non-standard Fanta flavours, and bottles of off-brand Red Kola. After school I loved a bottle of Moray Cup—I’m pretty sure it was supposed to taste like Pimms or Sangria and I think it was only really available in Aberdeen—and blue Panda Pops were the true enemy of the state. The only drink I ever wanted on a Saturday after dance class. The sugar tax has changed the landscape of fizzy drinks in this country, forcing recipes to change and drinks companies to discontinue flavours, but my memories will remain. Hurray for sickly sweet Barr’s Pineapple. May you hang on to your niche corner of the market for as long as I’m alive.